Just thoughts...nothing terribly important...

Well, well, well.

Those of you who have loyally followed up on my blog this summer know that Summer 2008 has been, for me, a very, very, very difficult one. I refrain from giving details as blogs seem to be an incredibly inappropriate place to leave them, but I figure people can do the 'math' and things are probably pretty clear by now anyway, so yes...here are some thoughts!

I've decided to throw myself completely back into my religion. I have let myself become weak spiritually over these past few years and as such have consequently made my life much more difficult than it needed to be. I am now working (very, very, very hard) to change habits and recreate myself into a stronger person, the person I want to be. It's difficult. But, I've already seen significant progress and have felt that amazing burning sensation when I know what I'm doing is RIGHT. This, more than ANYTHING (or anyone) else on earth, is the most comforting feeling.

That being said I am now attending a single's ward near my apartment. (for those of you who didn't know my news...the cat's out of the bag now I suppose!) At first this concept was terrifying, totally and completely. I expressed my concerns on the first Sunday to the bishop but it appears I am absolutely not alone. There are many other recently divorced sisters in the ward who are, quite honestly, people I'd be friends with outside of church. For this I am very grateful.

I am beginning to feel stronger as a person and have learned the hard way how UNHELPFUL it is to rely too much on others during trying times like this. It's not that I'm ungrateful for the love and support I've been rendered it's just that I realize now the importance of relying on God at a time like this before anyone else. It's very easy so soon after a divorce to want to cling onto the first few people who come your way, creating a dependency that mirrors marriage yet is very harmful both mentally and spiritually. I am trying very hard to rely on my Heavenly Father first before anyone else and, again, I've felt stronger this last week or so than I have in months and months and months and months of using substitutes.

Thoughts on being single? Whoa. That is all. It's very, very, very strange.

I have been given many wonderful and amazing people who have lent me such great support during this hell on earth...I'm so grateful for them!

I've also been given this amazing job. It's near impossible to feel sorry for oneself when one works with refugees fresh off the 'boat.' Not to mention the fact that I love this work more than any other...that all definitely helps.

As days and weeks pass I'm beginning to feel a bit more like myself...in small ways. I recognize though how important this time is to establish good habits and traditions that will shape the next portion of my life. I recognize how crucial it is to make sure I'm in a good frame of mind, able to make the right decisions when they're placed before me. I know the miraculous healer time can be and I've come so far and already I'm able to see some scar tissue building up, making me stronger...more resilient somehow.

All that to say, I'm trying. Trying to be a good person, trying to be close to the spirit. Simply trying. It is not easy, but I KNOW that it is worth it. It's scary to face this world 'alone' again, but it will be okay in time.

Again, thanks for the love and support.